So this morning, I’m brushing my teeth and thinking of the million and twelve things I have to do. I’m looking at myself in the mirror and mentally adding to the list while getting more than a little annoyed that there is not a lot to check off of it. Somehow, something makes me take a real good look at my new toothbrush.
A Purple and White Marvel of Molded Plastic
I took it out of my mouth to get a good look at it. It is totally made of the type of colourful plastic kids toys are made of: the bristles aren’t tightly packed, white nylon like the recent olden days. This is a totally redesigned brush with these bulbous spikes of various lengths that would look less odd if this were on one of those hand-held body massagers that some people use for cellulite. This is a purple and white tooth massager with a purple plate on the back with little bumps that I’m assuming are for micro-blading your filthy tongue.
So I’m looking at this strange new brush and my thoughts shift to all this new stuff that the human race has been refashioning out of moulded plastic. I’m worried about us all. Cause if we get used to this stuff, all this plasticky new stuff, we’ll be in real trouble come the Zombie Apocalypse. Admittedly, my first thought was “man, there is nothing recyclable about this thing — it is a total world destroyer.” But after that thought bounced out of my brain, the fate of all of us who like clean teeth brought me to the brink of an anxiety attack. I thought, what will happen if we got stuck on depending on all of these new-fangled things that are getting further and further away from anything natural? What happens when we run out of manufactured brushes and no one is making them anymore?
Practicality Saves Lives
I’m a practical woman. A Taurus. “Should I start hoarding toothbrushes?” I ask myself.
On the Walking Dead, of which I am one of the few remaining die-hard fans, little attention is paid to practical things. Unlike in Gilligan’s Island, or Lost, we rarely see how the people have to use innovation to adapt to their new way of life. Instead, they are driving in the same cars we are, fuelled by the same stuff we use.
But as I said before I am a Taurus — a practical woman. I notice these things. Perhaps because of my gift of foresight, I can do some planning. By hoarding toothbrushes, I can trade them for other necessary goods when civilization falls. I’ll have some kind of place of honour, status, and power as surely these toothbrushes will be worth a lot in that future. Somehow I think toothpaste won’t have the same value in a post-technological society, but these wondrous toothbrushes will be an item of luxury that may become even more desirable after all the toothbrush factory workers get eaten when the toothbrush plants fall.
Unlike Rick, who has decided to make a home in Georgia, USA, I’m thinking of a pre-selecting a plot of land up North. Yukon, Greenland, or Nunavut maybe. No need to buy it, of course, if my predictions are correct. Think about it: as long as we can harness power like maybe some geothermal stuff I’m looking into, we can live comfortably up North. It’s all science, baby: zombies will be less dangerous in the cold. Blood will not only congeal, it’ll freeze under the extreme cold up north.
In Search of a Winter Wonderland
In the cold, I’m thinking the brain-eaters will either move slowly or the cold may freeze them so they are motionless. During the winter, you could organize a cull and reduce their numbers to almost nothing. Then you’d have a peaceful winter and only have to worry about throngs of zombies when the temperatures rise in the spring and summer. But I figure, as you kill them off over the winter season, you can manage the populations of new zombies that may wander north when temperatures allow.
So, I could haul my toothbrush hoard to Thunder Bay or somewhere like that for now. Get a storage unit and pack it with the toothbrushes, some thick jeans, a Michonne-style katana, and lots of tins of beans. I’ll keep on investigating geothermal power. And just wait.
But, it’s 8 am. Now that I’ve finished brushing my teeth and I’ve had a cup of tea, I can see there are some complications.
More than Just a Buzzy Annoyance
Since that news about the Zika virus started, I’ve stopped wondering what will start the whole shift— the next plague after the Ice Age that got rid of the dinosaurs and the floods that emptied the world of all but Noah and his family. It’s going to be mosquitos, folks, and you heard it here first.
I’m not suggesting it’s the Zika virus itself that’ll be the cause of that plague — but I’m watching for news on how that virus shifts and changes. But containing mosquitoes does not seem possible — I envision them infecting other mosquitoes and this mutated version of Zika spreading in the same way that one cough took down the world in Stephen King’s The Stand.
So that’s the flaw in my zombie avoidance plan. Mosquitoes. Problem is, there are a lot of mosquitoes and other bitey bugs up North now. They emerge right after the winter, as things start warming up a bit. Bugs that take chunks out of you. Imagine them with that Zika in them! So the plan isn’t perfect. Should the new-style Zika virus make it up north, there are going to be a lot of itchy people turning to Zombies in the beginning, so as with everything else, timing is everything. And once we cut the Zombies down over the winter, wouldn’t we be in great danger unless we figure out how to get rid of the mosquitoes harbouring the new virus in the spring?
The mosquito cycle is a true “spanner in the works.” How are we going to modify that to make us snowbirds go up north and stay safe, rather than having to flea to the dangerous south as soon as the bugs start biting?
DDT? Will we have to bring that back to save ourselves? Will we have to stay indoors and only venture out when the bugs are less active? Perhaps we’ll domesticate bats to roam with us. They can use their sonar to detect mosquitoes and eat them before they cause any change in us.
So I haven’t had a lot of time to work on other projects, because I’m now heading out to the dollar store to buy up more of these toothbrushes. It’s in situations like this that creates the innovations which just may save the world. Like, I looked at my toothbrush this morning and it’s only 11 am yet I’m half-way through a survival strategy that’ll help me become Empress of the New World.
So why on Earth should I do my taxes? Instead, I’m googling the behaviour of mosquitoes and ways to ensure there is no standing water around settlements. I can practice now, before the Zika changes — but — a new thought: I’m pretty aware that the government isn’t going to tell us too much if evidence shows I am right. They’ll hide the truth to avoid panic.
The sources of our information on Zika virus mutations are, therefore, not likely to be reliable . . . Sigh.
Could Networking Save the World?
How can I make the right contacts so that I can keep abreast of the real news and not go working on the million tasks I was counting this very morning, like some kind of sheep unaware of the havoc that mosquitos are about to wreak on my ability to complete them anyway? I ponder this for a while and then I get a sudden realization. My time is best-used networking. It’s still business, and by doing that I’ll check off at least three things on my list. But my need is no longer just for leads for my current business. I need to search out contacts that will lead me to reliable sources of Zika disease-mutations and related information.
So, finally a compromise! Networking will save me and mine during the Zombie Apocalypse and it will also save my house against those who might choose to repossess it should I not find enough work. Finally! I know what to do to reduce my list of tasks: network.
So, I stuffed my bag with handfuls of my business cards (new and beautifully designed by my friend, Crystal) and head off to an event. Not only was I looking for people in need of an editor, writing coach or ghostwriter: I’m also searching for government workers with sufficient security clearance. I need to find someone who will know whether there are too many of the wrong kind of viruses working their way through the various species of bitey little critters. As well as to people who may need help with writing their stories. How many referrals am I away from finding the world-ending virus that uses mosquitoes as its host? And just to keep it all real, I’m going to look for a B&B in Penatanguishine. I’ll be travelling north on weekends on the lookout for nice properties to build barbed wire fences around.
Looks like this new trend towards networking will save me in so many ways!
In Search of High-Clearance Bug Officials
If you are a government worker with information on the Zika virus, do call. Maybe we can write a book about it together. And if you have other types of stories you’d like to get out in the world, then let’s talk about them too.
But with all joking aside, whatever type of story you’d like to write, please select a free consultation from the widget on your screen and let’s talk!
Jackie Brown is a writing coach who is prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse and is an expert in all the techniques required to get your story out. If you want to talk zombies, books, or a combination of both, please book a free consultation using the contact widget on her website, email directly (firstname.lastname@example.org), or call her on her cell phone (647 983-7686).